Fruit & Veggies

I really don't like fruit and vegetables.  I have a short list of ones I do like, but it is a really short list.  This has to change.  Everything I have read says the easiest most effective way to sort of reset your taste buds and have an easier time eating(possibly even liking) your veggies is to do a sugar detox.  So I plan to pretty much do a Vegan Whole Food meal plan for a few weeks and then add eggs, chicken and cheese back into the mix later because I love cheese!  Seriously, I would give up chocolate long before I would give up cheese.  So it will be difficult, but since I know it will help me in the long run and it will only be temporary I am going to give up dairy for a bit.

All this to tell you that Pinterest is fantastic.  I have been looking up meal ideas and people are really creative and some of the recipes I am even excited to try.  My goal is to try each new veggie and fruit 3 times.  I have read that it takes 3 tries to acquire a taste for something, so it can't hurt.  Maybe by the end of my sugar detox I will be a fan of a lot more fruits and veggies!

Rock Bottom is a Solid Foundation

I have officially hit rock bottom.  I am obese.  I am a single mother.  I currently live with my parents.  I have no job.  And now I have no car.  Seriously, I am having a hard time staying at all positive at this point.  If I haven't reached rock bottom then I am terrified of what that would look like. 

I thought I had reached rock bottom several weeks ago, but I hadn't.  I then applied for a job I desperately wanted and would of been fantastic at, found out today the position has been filled.  Today is also the day my Jeep was taken away.  I used to have a car, it was my car, I had it long before my daughter.  I took good care of my car, it was the perfect size for me and my daughter, plus it was reliable.  Upon, moving in with my family they had me sell the car and gave me my brother's old Jeep.  I got over having to get rid of my car because I had the Jeep to drive.  This week they sold the Jeep.  With the Jeep gone I've now lost the freedom that comes with having your own car, I might as well be sixteen again.  Although at sixteen I had my own car, at 29 I don't.  I have actually regressed in life.  I am trying not to be so angry about it, but I just feel so out of control in my life.  I had no say in my car getting sold and then obviously none about the Jeep.  I feel like I have no control over anything in my life at this point.

I will continue to apply for a job until I land one, but all I can do is apply I have no control over if I will ever land an interview.  I feel living with my family is the best thing for my daughter but I am not sure it is the best thing for me since I constantly learn how little my opinions/feelings matter and how little control I have because it is not my house.  I also cannot keep up after this giant house to the level I would like so I loose control of the tidiness of the home.  It really upsets me not to have a clean and tidy house where everything has a place and everything is in it's place.  I don't have much I can take control of, but one thing I think I can take control of is my weight.

I need to feel like I have some control over something in my life before I fall apart so changing my health is what I will be focusing on.  Hopefully along the way I will pick up some of the self-esteem I have lost and some of the other missing pieces in my life will fall into place.

What's up doc?

Today I saw a doctor for the first time since my daughter was born 3 years ago.  I finally forced myself to make an appointment because I have been having some major health issues as a result of my weight.  It actually wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be and the doc is really nice and easy to talk to.  My weight on their scale was 286.  She gave me some medicine to help me with my immediate health issue and hopefully I'll start feeling well enough to get walking in the next week.  At a later appointment the doctor is going to do a couple blood tests to see how my thyroid is and if I am diabetic.  Then I guess we will go from there.  Hopefully by my next appointment eating better and exercising has started to pay off :)

You Are What You Eat

Food.  I have a love/hate relationship with it.  It's delicious, but that's where the love ends.  I have been told since I can remember to watch what I eat or I'd be fat, which turned into watch what you eat or you'll get fatter.  I grew to feel guilty about every bite I ate, no matter what it is or how much of it or if every other person in the room was eating the exact same thing.  I have major anxiety about eating in front of people because I feel so judged.  Food is delicious, but I somehow enjoy and hate eating it at the same time.  It's hard to explain.  All I know is that I need to change the way I view food.  I wish it were something I could completely quit, like smoking.  I quit smoking 3.5 years ago, the day I found out I was pregnant, and although the craving is still there I find it is easier for me to do something all or nothing.

I have gone on crash diets since I was 14.  I can do them, but it always goes the same way.  I loose the weight, feel better and then I go off the diet and gain back what I lost plus some more.  I am not doing that again.  I am not counting calories.  I am not beating myself up when I have a Reece Cup or a piece of birthday cake.  Nobody is perfect.  It is progress, not perfection.  I am not going on a diet, I am making changes. 

I will pay attention to my portions and learn to recognize when I am full.  I will pay attention to what I am eating and work on making lifestyle changes that will be permanent.  I am going to start eating more real food.  Foods that I can pronounce all the ingredients on the label of or preferably foods that come with no label at all.  I am going to work on eating colorful foods from nature, not from factories.

 
My goal is that everything I am putting into my body is something that I can tell you where it came from or how it was made.  Much like with exercise, for the food aspect of getting healthy, I have my overall large goal and my baby-step goals along the way.  I have already started to work on it.  I quit drinking soda about two months ago, which was super difficult, but for sure necessary.  I have started drinking a lot of water, some days are better than others, but I have been keeping water with me at all times.  The next item on the quit completely list will be fast food.  I eat too much fast food.  I can't afford to continue to consume fast food both financially and physically.  I feel like Soda and Fast Food are things that I have to give up to commit to a healthy lifestyle.  They are like cigarettes where just not touching them at all is the best thing I can do for my health.

I am going to work on decreasing my consumption of processed food and I would eventually like to wean myself from processed food completely.  I want to only eat foods that I would of given to my daughter in her first year of eating.  If it wasn't good enough for me to feed her during those early days then what makes it any better now for me to feed it to myself or her?  It will take some time to get to that point, but I will be making conscious choices and taking steps to get there.

I know what I need to do to eat healthy.  Now it is just a matter of deciding that I would rather live with more energy and feel better than eat junk food.

Need a little Faith and Luck

One of my favorite holidays is Saint Patrick's Day.  I don't know why.  I can't explain it, but it is.  This past month my family and I went out to eat at the local Irish Pub a few days before Saint Patrick's Day.  While there, people kept coming in and out of the restaurant picking up their race bibs for the next day.  As I watched person after person come and go with excitement in their eyes for the next day I couldn't help but want to participate.  At the time(and now) I could barely of finished their mile race, let alone the 5K.  I would laugh at the thought of the Half-Marathon.  However, I have made a decision.  I am going to do a Saint Patrick's Day Half-Marathon next year!

I am going to run, jog or drag my Irish self over that finish line in 11 months.  One bad great trait I have inherited is that I am stubborn.  If I make a goal, I will push myself to achieve it.  This is a goal I want to achieve and now that I am writing it down I have to start working towards it.  It is a lofty goal, I am very aware of that.  I have never run in my life.  So, I will have to start by learning how to run!  I have never even run a mile, so a goal of 13 miles is damn near insane.  But you know what?  I can do it.

I used to swim miles upon miles a day throughout high school and it was one of the most relaxing joyful things I have ever done.  I was able to think about nothing but the task at hand.  I could focus purely on the rhythm of my body as I pushed forward.  I could compete against myself.  It never mattered to me how many people could swim faster or longer than me, all that mattered was that I was able to do better than my time before.  I love competing against myself.  I have never run before.  I have always made an excuse for why I couldn't.  It scares me.  However, I know that once I start it is likely to be much like swimming where I will fall in love with it.

Now, how to get started.  Baby steps.  Smaller more attainable goals.  My immediate goal is to attend the local "Walk & Talk" program for the next two weeks.  The main reason for this is to possibly meet a person or two that would be interested in walking or running with me at times.  Working out is always easier when you can have a buddy and none of my local friends have the time, energy or desire to be that person.  I will have my support from afar of my best friend, but she is in California and I am in Indiana.  When we both reach the goal of being ready to run the Half-Marathon we will be meeting either in Indianapolis or Chicago to do it together!  A bit of local support would be great though, so hopefully I can find people in the "Walk & Talk" group with similar goals.

My second goal is to start and finish the Couch to 5K program.  I have downloaded the app already, there really is an app for everything.  My start date will be May 11 which will mean I will have it completed by the beginning of July.  I will sign up for a 5K to do in July.  It will be good timing because Chalk Walk is July 10th, 11th, 12th, and a huge goal is to be in better shape than I am now so I can enjoy it more!  With my first 5K my goal is to jog or run the whole thing.  I don't care about my time or anything, just a goal of no walking.

My goal between attending "Walk & Talk" and the 5K in July is to run for one straight mile.  When I hit that goal you will be hearing about it and I will be ecstatic!  Maybe I'll buy myself something to celebrate like a new sports bra :)

Have to Start Somewhere

I need to change.  I am unhappy with my life and the largest reason for it is because I am unhappy with my body.  I feel trapped inside this cage of fat, like I am already dead inside it at times.  Of course that usually just makes me even more depressed so that I eat even more and want to do even less.  It is time for a change.  I cannot go on the way I am or in 7 years, by the time my daughter is 10, she will either be completely embarrassed by her obese mother or the weight will of killed me.  I am not okay with either outcome so my path must change!

This is me.  I took the above photo this past week.  As of this week I weigh 285lbs.  I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life and I didn't even think it was possible to be this large.  I am now the size of one of those people you see on Extreme Weight-Loss, Biggest Loser or an article in People Magazine.  I am not even being mean to myself, it is just the reality that if you look up any of those people they started out close to my size.

I have very few photos of myself by myself in the past 3 years and I try to avoid full body photos of myself at all costs.  However, you cannot avoid photos completely and still participate in life so I have a few.

That is from my little brother's High School Graduation last May.  I remember seeing it and literally wanting to die.  Then in July I participated in the Chalk Walk and there was another full body photo of me.

I was depressed before I saw the picture but the picture didn't help.  This was the sixth year in a row I had participated in the Chalk Walk and by far the hardest one to physically handle.  I don't want to miss out on things I enjoy because of my weight.

I have made a promise to myself that I will change.  I am going to remove the mask of fat I hide behind and get my confidence back.  I have no choice.  I have to.